According to my Mother, it started when I was an infant.  If my father came anywhere near me, I would scream.  I would kick at him and scream and scream.  It’s as if, even at that tender age, I could tell he did not love me or want me because I was not a boy.  The reason could also be that I looked so much like my Mother and her side of the family.  At any rate, I was different.  So different in fact that I remember from a very young age that I felt like I knew something was happening in the world around me that I did not yet understand.  I did not have the words to convey my feelings and I would sit in silence and listen.  My Mother has told me of my early years that I would cry at night and not want to sleep.  I still have that problem today. The not sleeping part, I do not cry anymore at night.  I did not talk till I was around 3 and it was complete sentences.  My Mother says it is because my sister would not shut up long enough and would talk for me.  My Mother said she always knew what I wanted just by the noises I would make.  She says there was just something inside her that knew.  I think I was born linked to the human conscience that runs through this world.  Most people have to develop this once they start interacting more with others, such as in school.  I knew from the beginning.  My birth was even atypical.  I was born completely silent.  No screaming, no tears, no whimpers.  It was the seventies so the doctors spanked me and poked my feet with needles.  I made a small sound barely audible and that was it. When my Mother tells that story I get vertigo.  It’s as if I remember hanging upside down and being shaken and tortured. Just like the rest of my life… shaken and tortured… 

© 2021 Kat J Phillips